Day 13

Last night I went home to am empty house and ate my bowl of cereal with a banana. I drank my diet coke. And I wanted to cry. Did I want the 'Any size, any topping, any pizza for $10' from Pizza Hut instead of my wheat chex? You betcha. Did I want 'The Real Thing' instead of diet? Right again.

I was lost last night in self-pity and self-degredation. I look in the mirror every morning only to see this overweight person. I know it's me in there somewhere. And yet I wonder 'What in the world happened to my mirror? When did the image looking back at me get this way?'

How did I let this happen? I think somewhere between being wife and new mommy and a full-time professional, it became too easy to eat Sonic instead of a turkey sandwich. It became habit to eat delicious foods and just buy clothes in a size larger.

I am seriously ashamed of myself. And I have no one to blame but myself.

Which is why I am trying to eat healthier. I am going to aerobics. But dang it, today I can hardly move. I am used to giving 500% so to have to stop in the middle of cardio because I can't breathe? It was torture. To stop sprinting because I just couldn't take it much longer? I could liken it to having my fingernails pulled off.

I harbor no illusions that I will ever be 'Before Caden Lori' but I would settle for the 'After Caden Lori' to weigh in at 200 lbs. Which having said that, let me assure you, I have a long way to go to see those numbers on any scale I step onto.

LIke most women I think I have a disillusionment about my body image. It's odd because I think I am smaller than I am until I pass my reflection in the studio window or catch a glimpse in a mirror. And then I am stopped short in my tracks. My water lily tattoo down my side is now a complete flower garden.

I say all this not as a tool to get sympathy, I am sharing this because I know a majority of the women I know are on this same path. Maybe my journey towards Skinnydom will help someone. Just one person.

A Very {un}New Year's Resolution

I have started a revitalization process. I have become the mother that I never wanted to be. I have let myself go.

Forget makeup.

Forget lingerie.

Forget forget feeling good about myself.

Forget hairspray.

Forget shaving my legs past the knee.

Welcome to my world: pony tails, spanx and 40 extra pounds around my waist.

Hello saggy boobs, hello short fingernails and hello to you, dark circles under my eyes.

But this must end. And N.O.W.

Yesterday I cut my hair off and highlighted the mousy brown right out of my system. I have worn make-up for past three days.

I vow not to go to Wal-Mart in my pjs (unless it's Monday which is my off day) and I will not wear my hair in my {in}famous Bam Bam Flintstone style out in public.

This is the Revitalization of Me.

I am going to lose this weight. I am going to eat healthy{ier}. I am going to be a beautiful mom.