I was absolutely AMAZED at how many of you sent me messages on Facebook yesterday! Thanks for the support and for voicing your own struggles with weight and being healthy. We can do this together.

Last night dinner was relatively simple. I am not jumping feet first into eating 'blah diet food' because let's face it - who wants to eat that food and how does that help keep us motivated? We don't and it doesn't. Plain and simple.

I read everyone's replies to my question 'What's for dinner' and after hearing Annette's comment, I decided to break out the ole panini grill. This was our set-up:



We had smoked cajun turket, whole wheat bread (amazingly only 40 calories per slice, although we're not counting calories [it said it on the package]), sliced swiss and mozzarella cheeses, basil pesto, majo, carmalized onions and bacon. We are trying to cut back and eat healthier. The calorie counting, point counting, etc. will come after we learn portion control.

I ate a few fat free pretzels with my sandwich, and half a grapefruit left over from an earlier snack. I will say however I couldn't forgo my coke. I mean, honestly! Baby steps, people!

Here is what my finished panini looked like:



It was delicious! I put it on the smaller plate so that it would hopefully fool my mind into thinking it was more than if it had been on an actual dinner plate.

Tonight is aerobics. In an hour, acutally. I am looking forward to going to getting my hiney whipped again. It is just one step on a journey of many steps. But then again? How do you eat an elephant?

ONE BITE AT A TIME.

Day 13

Last night I went home to am empty house and ate my bowl of cereal with a banana. I drank my diet coke. And I wanted to cry. Did I want the 'Any size, any topping, any pizza for $10' from Pizza Hut instead of my wheat chex? You betcha. Did I want 'The Real Thing' instead of diet? Right again.

I was lost last night in self-pity and self-degredation. I look in the mirror every morning only to see this overweight person. I know it's me in there somewhere. And yet I wonder 'What in the world happened to my mirror? When did the image looking back at me get this way?'

How did I let this happen? I think somewhere between being wife and new mommy and a full-time professional, it became too easy to eat Sonic instead of a turkey sandwich. It became habit to eat delicious foods and just buy clothes in a size larger.

I am seriously ashamed of myself. And I have no one to blame but myself.

Which is why I am trying to eat healthier. I am going to aerobics. But dang it, today I can hardly move. I am used to giving 500% so to have to stop in the middle of cardio because I can't breathe? It was torture. To stop sprinting because I just couldn't take it much longer? I could liken it to having my fingernails pulled off.

I harbor no illusions that I will ever be 'Before Caden Lori' but I would settle for the 'After Caden Lori' to weigh in at 200 lbs. Which having said that, let me assure you, I have a long way to go to see those numbers on any scale I step onto.

LIke most women I think I have a disillusionment about my body image. It's odd because I think I am smaller than I am until I pass my reflection in the studio window or catch a glimpse in a mirror. And then I am stopped short in my tracks. My water lily tattoo down my side is now a complete flower garden.

I say all this not as a tool to get sympathy, I am sharing this because I know a majority of the women I know are on this same path. Maybe my journey towards Skinnydom will help someone. Just one person.

A Very {un}New Year's Resolution

I have started a revitalization process. I have become the mother that I never wanted to be. I have let myself go.

Forget makeup.

Forget lingerie.

Forget forget feeling good about myself.

Forget hairspray.

Forget shaving my legs past the knee.

Welcome to my world: pony tails, spanx and 40 extra pounds around my waist.

Hello saggy boobs, hello short fingernails and hello to you, dark circles under my eyes.

But this must end. And N.O.W.

Yesterday I cut my hair off and highlighted the mousy brown right out of my system. I have worn make-up for past three days.

I vow not to go to Wal-Mart in my pjs (unless it's Monday which is my off day) and I will not wear my hair in my {in}famous Bam Bam Flintstone style out in public.

This is the Revitalization of Me.

I am going to lose this weight. I am going to eat healthy{ier}. I am going to be a beautiful mom.

I have no heart.

I had the bed to myself last night. Daddy and The Boy had a night to themselves in the guest bedroom. As I went to leave the house this morning, I couldn't help but peek in and see my two favorite people while they're asleep and so peaceful.

Caden stirred at the sound of the door opening, but didn't full awaken. Instead, he says, 'Daddy?' and Mike, half asleep, mumbles, 'Huh?' as he puts his arm around Caden and snuggles him closer. And then in the sweetest, most heartbreaking little voice, my son tells my husband, 'Love you.'

And I closed the door, leaving the two halves of my heart asleep in bed.

And the award goes to . . .

Lately I've been 'woe is me'-ing a lot. It's not easy to be a working mom of a two-year old who thinks his way is the ONLY way and who will throw a fit just because I want to close the shower door while I'm shaving my legs. THANK. YOU.

And then it hit me: I am half of a duo. I am only ONE part of a TWO person equation. And then sadly, I realized I must remove my Super Mom cape and hand it directly to . . . . my sister.

My sister is a single mother to a beautiful, imaginative, creative, charming and sweet-loving little boy. She is the bread winner in her family. She is the mother, father, laundress, seamstress, waitress, cook, housekeepper and all-around handy person. She takes on the job and takes it on with a smile. I cannot remember hearing her complain about terrible-twos or how it would be nice to just have a moment of alone time. And when I realize this, it makes me feel completely selfish.

So, my award for Super Mom, Great Sisiter and just all-around Good Person goes to my sister. I love you, Ash.

What's all the fuss about?

I've been asking myself this eternally baffling question alot the last little bit (besides Did Elvis really die? Where IS Amelia Earheart? Where is Atlantis and who made the Bimini Road?)

How do I manage being: wife, mother, professional, cook, seamstress, closet cleaner-outer, friend, aunt, daughter, sister, laundry mistress and still have time to be Lori?

You know, don't get me wrong - I LOVE being a mother and wife. But as a woman, I often feel forgotten. I feel overlooked, underappreciated. I am too tired in the mornings to do anything besides throw on clothes and half-way dry my hair. Makeup? Got it. Put it on? Forget about it.

Where are the days of hair gel, long showers, lotion on my legs? Or the days of buying myself new underwear instead of pull-ups for The Boy?

Prime example of a wife/mother's deep love: I got The Hubs a PS3 last year for Christmas with the understand that this year's big gift would go to me! And alas! We're going to Disney in February so we're forgoing Christmas gifts for each other! So, no new pots and pans. No new jeans. No new baubles.

But I'm okay with that. Because this morning I watched the two most spectacular people in the world cuddle in bed and watch Dinosaur Train. And in the evenings, when I'm all worn out and just want 5 minutes of Lori time? Well, I hear, 'Mommy? Mommy? Wuv ou.'

And then I smile and say with complete energy and unreserved love:

I love you, too, baby.

L i v e O u t L o u d

A friend just posted this on his facebook status:

Many people come and go in our lives. There are only a few people that are going on the way with you in your life - Family, Jesus, Close friends. Pour your life into those you love.

I love that last line. Pour your life, yourself, your all into those you love.

On my desk, and now covered with a Sonic glass (from yesterday), a jump drive and various papers, is a tile that I keep as a reminder of how I want to live my life. It states plainly and straight-forwardly: LIVE OUT LOUD.

Life isn't a dress-rehersal, people. It's the real deal. I choose to live my life fairly and honestly. I worship God, not because it's how I was brougth up, but because He shows Himself to me in my everyday life.

Live out loud. Is there any better way?