Last night I went home to am empty house and ate my bowl of cereal with a banana. I drank my diet coke. And I wanted to cry. Did I want the 'Any size, any topping, any pizza for $10' from Pizza Hut instead of my wheat chex? You betcha. Did I want 'The Real Thing' instead of diet? Right again.
I was lost last night in self-pity and self-degredation. I look in the mirror every morning only to see this overweight person. I know it's me in there somewhere. And yet I wonder 'What in the world happened to my mirror? When did the image looking back at me get this way?'
How did I let this happen? I think somewhere between being wife and new mommy and a full-time professional, it became too easy to eat Sonic instead of a turkey sandwich. It became habit to eat delicious foods and just buy clothes in a size larger.
I am seriously ashamed of myself. And I have no one to blame but myself.
Which is why I am trying to eat healthier. I am going to aerobics. But dang it, today I can hardly move. I am used to giving 500% so to have to stop in the middle of cardio because I can't breathe? It was torture. To stop sprinting because I just couldn't take it much longer? I could liken it to having my fingernails pulled off.
I harbor no illusions that I will ever be 'Before Caden Lori' but I would settle for the 'After Caden Lori' to weigh in at 200 lbs. Which having said that, let me assure you, I have a long way to go to see those numbers on any scale I step onto.
LIke most women I think I have a disillusionment about my body image. It's odd because I think I am smaller than I am until I pass my reflection in the studio window or catch a glimpse in a mirror. And then I am stopped short in my tracks. My water lily tattoo down my side is now a complete flower garden.
I say all this not as a tool to get sympathy, I am sharing this because I know a majority of the women I know are on this same path. Maybe my journey towards Skinnydom will help someone. Just one person.
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I don't care if you ever reach Skinnydom, but I do care and am proud that you're fighting and struggling to be healthier because I want your silliness and your fantastic cooking skills and your heart for others and only the GOOD things to be the things you have in common with Granny Ethel.
ReplyDeleteAs much as it hurts all of us that this is a fight you'll have to fight, it would hurt us so much more if we lost you.
Keep it up!! I love you and am proud of you!!
Lori you hit the nail on the head. I am also very proud of you for putting yourself back on the list. You are very important to many people and without your health you won't be there for them, and I know they want you around for a long time.
ReplyDeleteIt's not just the you. Grad school completely wrecked my eating, exercising, and sleeping habits and my body has paid the price. It has not been pretty.
I too have been there trotting along in the mall only to walk up to a store window and look in the relfection and say..."Damn, who is that chick..she needs a makeover." and it was ME standing there. I don't shop for new clothes or do the nice things I once indulged in because there is always something else that is more important.
Well, enough is enough. My classes are done,I just have to write. The house renovation is complete, and by golly it's time for me to do some things for me.
I hate going shopping because I am surrounded by all this young stick figures. Well you know what, I have never been that way and I am not going to be. I have always been curvey and I always will be. I have embraced my hourglass shape but it is still hard to dress. I can't tell you how many breakdowns I have had in the dressing room.
You know I haven't stepped on a scale in a long time..and you know I don't plan on it unless I go to the doctor. I am going to eat healthy, exercise and stay active. I will let my clothes tell the story along with the measuring tape.
Lori..I really am proud of you. I have been working out again this past week and I can tell a marked difference. I sleep better, my energy stays high and at a constant level. No more up down up down all day. My cleaned up diet has also proved to help my mental clarity...and I've been kicking myself. Cause I knew exactly what needed to be done, I just didn't want to do it.
This time around is different for me as well. This is a life change. Before it was a quick fix. I wasn't taught to eat properly at home and my family wasn't active. We were couch potatoes that watched tv...that's it...that's all we did as a family...and then we stopped doing that.
So that legacy stops with me, and I am starting a new legacy. One that will be healthy and benefical. I woke up the other morning and realized...I don't have anyone to blame for any of this. I buy the groceries and make the meals. I am the one who suggests dinners out. Do I want to be the reason my husband and family aren't healthy....NO WAY. So it is up to me to do the right thing and make those healthy choices and not bring in the bad stuff.
Here's to us putting ourselves back on the list!